-JT-'s Blog

 Our fellow blogger "Electrons" gave me this idea.

   If you're a Veteran (and even if you're not) stop in and say hi.

 If ya want, tell us the Who,What, Where, Why and When ya served.

And if ya don't wanna , then DON'T tell us ! (We're flexible !)

Tell us the Good, the Bad and/or the Ugly ....

We can HANDLE the Truth !

 

  Veterans.... this is your  RALLY POINT !

  Give us a shout.......

 I can't  HEAR YOU !

UPS Airlines



Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly

a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to

those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.






After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then

pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.



Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are

some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That 's what friction locks are for.

*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

*

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

*

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

*

And the best one for last

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

  With the departure of Dave Huddleston (which I think STINKS btw), rumors are abounding (as rumors are wont to do)as to who will be Dave's replacement.

    One rumor has it that  CBS News Anchor Larry Mendte will be Dave's replacement.

 Larry Mendte and Fox  Anchor Dawn Stensland are married in real life.

 Hmmm. I wonder what that would be like.

  Larry : Good Evening. I'm Larry Mendte.

  Dawn : And I'm Dawn Stensland.

  Together : Welcome to the Fox News at Ten.

  Larry (facing the camera) : "Tonight, in Philadelphia......

  Dawn (turning to Larry) : "Did you take out the trash before you left the house"?

 Larry (turning to Dawn) : "How come I always have to take out the trash?"

Dawn : " You always have to take out the trash because you NEVER take out the trash. If you took OUT the trash, it would BE out and THEN  you wouldn't have to take it anywhere".

 Larry (turning away) "AGAIN with the semantics."

Dawn : "Why did I have to chase the bear out of our yard ? I said Larry, there's a bear in our yard, and all of a sudden, it was time to fix the faucet that had been leaking for six months".

Larry : "How many times do I have to tell you ? It was a bear CUB !"

Dawn : "A CUB ! A CUB ? That thing was taller than YOU are !"

Larry : "The producer is yelling in my ear."

Dawn : "Oh. I forgot to tell you. We never plug that in over here. That  thing's a pain in the butt." 

FoxNews has a Sexpert.  Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright. And she's written a column entitled

"15 Reasons Why She's not in the Mood."

 I know. At first, I thought the same thing.

 FIFTEEN ?

 The column is on the main page of Fox29. All the way at the bottom. I guess they figured if it had to do with sex, we'd find it no matter where they hid it.

 Guys, I know sometimes it's difficult to read the articles women write about men, because it seems somehow, no matter what the subject is, it's always OUR fault.

So, go ahead. Read the column. And fear not, gentelmen, I'm here to help.

15 Reasons Why She's Not in the Mood

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

By Yvonne K. Fulbright

Some women will want to string me up for this one. I'm about to divulge some of the real reasons a gal will say "no" to sex, even if she's totally in the mood.

  These are the REAL reasons, NOT the fake ones.

1. She feels fat.

  And that's before you even touch her. In a situation like this, it's important to create an environment  where she feels comfortable. So, stick out your belly, puff out your cheeks, and keep a stash of Rosie O'Donnell flicks on hand.

  Hey, it works for the birds. Only they watch Birdy O'Donnell movies.

2. She's feels gassy.

             Para fumar.

3. She has her period.

 Uh - I have no comment at this time. Yes, I do. Apparently, they've come out with a pill that lets a woman only have one period a year. Am I the only one that thinks this might not be a good idea ? Shouldn't we be trying to LESSEN  the potential for explosions ? (Both the literal AND the figurative). I'm a guy and I know my opinion doesn't count on this one (or any other one, for that matter) and I'm not insensitive to your pain,ladies (you too, guys) but, one a year ?

 When I think of that, two things come immediately to mind.

 Volcanos and oil wells.

4. She's wearing grandma underwear.

  Sorting laundry can be a challenge. Again, it's important to create an environment  in which she feels she fits in. Put on  red union suit underwear with the feet and the flap in the back.

5. She has a yeast infection.

 Baking homemade bread together can be a turn-on, but now's probably not a good time to bring it up.

6. She's sweaty or unclean.

  This is when being a volunteer fireman pays off. Quick access to a firehose. WHOOOOOSH ! "Feel better, honey ?"

7. Neither of you brought a condom.

Translation : YOU didn't bring one. BYOC.

8. Her parents – or yours – are too close for comfort.

 So, during Thanksgiving Dinner, the dining room table is OUT. Got it guys ?

9. Her nether region feels dry.

  Put the firehose down. No WD 40, either.

10. She's tired.

   Oh yeah ? I'm exhausted. And I'm only up to number 10.

11. She's already taken care of business.

Uh-oh. I wasn't REALLY exhausted.

12. She's ticked off at you.

Moi ? Hey, I said I wasn't REALLY exhausted. I'm taking a pill that only lets me get exhausted once a year. And then I sleep for six months. I try to time it so I'm asleep during the volcanic eruption and the oil strike.

13. She's grossed out by your lack of hygiene.

 So, if you're wearing a sleeveless shirt when you approach her, pick the radishes out of your armpits first.

14. She's waiting for her wedding day.

Presumably, her wedding day and your wedding day are like, you know, the same day.

15. She's pregnant and feels guilty for it.

Translation : YOU forgot to BYOC again. 

  Ok, I know what your thinking. How do you tell if she's feeling fat or if Grandma's walking around with no underwear? 

  Not to worry. 

  Just put on a red union suit, leave a few buttons unbuttoned, you know, for a tease(don't forget harvest time - radishes ? remember?), duct tape a couple of rows of condoms to your left breast (like military medals) extinguish all smoking materials at this time, stick out your belly and puff out your cheeks , put on the Flintstones movie, and yeah, you can wear a fireman's hat - but you have to stay indoors if you're not really a fireman and that goes double for the Zorro mask, try not to remember how ticked off she was at you on HER wedding day and NEVER EVER do this during Thanksgiving Dinner. Timing is everything. 

 If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.  Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
 A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
 A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
 A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
 A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
 
Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
 A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
 A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?!
 A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
 A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
 A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
 A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
 A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
 A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
 A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
 A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
 A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
 A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
 A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
 A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
 A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
 A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
 A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

   ......Or Senator, or congressman, or whatever.

   I say this because every election year (and now, apparently, the year BEFORE too !), people you never heard of come on tv and tell you they want you to send them to Washington so they can FIGHT for you.

  Although we have become inured to these tv ads, when some one is on your tv, it is the same as if they are in your home.

  When you select a program to watch, the people on that show are invited guests in your home.

  Unfortunately, they bring uninvited guests with them - the people in the commercials.

  So, when your relaxing at home in your favorite chair, couch or motorized sex swing, it's the same as if a complete stranger entered your home, uninvited, to stick a finger in your face and tell you he wants to FIGHT for you. 

 How many times have we heard this ? From Hilary, Obama and McCain, not to mention the cast of thousands that have dropped out of the race. They all want to fight . For us.

  Thay make it sound as if a term in the presidency is just one long, drawn out, protracted, non-stop western movie -  type barroom brawl. 

  And they can't WAIT to join the fray.

 For us.

  This leaves me with a couple of questions.

  WHO are they gonna fight WITH ?

  Why not televise some of these bouts ?

 "Hilary is cutting off the ring and OH ! There's a left to Hilary's jaw and down she goes !

 The referee is counting...8...9...10 ! "

 "And Bill is leaving the arena with ANOTHER WOMAN !"

   I know Mike Tyson is too old to compete effectively as a professional boxer, but, I bet he could still whoop anybody in Washington.

  And in these days of $4.00 per gallon gasoline, rising food costs, mortgage crises, and ever spiraling health insurance costs, we need all the help we can get.

 So, to whoever wins, here's a tip from citizen JT......

  Ya wanna be a more effective fighter ?

  You can start by taking your hands out of our pockets.

 

 Ok, the primary election has been going for for just about a year now, and the presidential election is STILL  almost eight months away.

  Is this something new ? Did I miss a meeting ?  Didn't they used to do all this campaigning in 6-8 months ? What is the point of all this ?

 And you KNOW what's gonna happen next time. They're gonna start campaigning EVEN EARLIER.

 Before the TV stations announce a winner of November's Presidential Election, people are gonna announce their candidacy for the 2012 Presidential Election.

 And, to top it all off, I saw on the news that it doesn't really matter how many states and delegates Hilary or Barack win, the outcome will be determined by the "Superdelegates" anyway.

 "Superdelegates" ?

  I guess they're a secret society of people with leotard pants and skin-tight t-shirts and Zorro masks and capes and elf shoes ?

 Okay, fine. Strap them into chairs (like in the movie "A Clockwork Orange") and stick "Pulp Fiction" balls in their mouths and let them experience all this campaigning from beginning to end and tell us how it turns out.

 And while we're at it, let them be "Supertaxpayers" too and free us from THAT burden.

 If you're gonna take the benefit, take the responsibilty, too.

  Ok, relax, "Dooperdelegates", I have another idea. (Like the FIRST one was ever gonna come to fruition)...

 

        To date, the Clinton Campaign has spent $105 Million Dollars.

     The Obama Campaign has spent $113 Million Dollars.

     I'm guessing the McCain Campaign has spent a similar amount.

   And I'm sure all of the other candidates that appeared and disappeared have spent over $100 Mil combined, if not more.

   In future elections, candidates can raise unlimited funds, but thet cannot spend ANY of it.( More on that later)

     The election process as we know it will no longer exist. ( I think that has already happened, anyway)

    In future primary elections...

 1. Candidates will have to spend a week in Chef Ramsay's Kitchen

 2. Appear on American Idol

 3. Spend a week on a deserted island with a nail clipper and a roll of duct tape.

The votes from these 3 Events will Determine the winners.

 After the Primary Election...

  The 2 Main Candidates ...

    1. Appear on "Don't Forget the Lyrics"

          a) The songs being....

           The Star Spangled Banner and America the Beautiful.

          if the candidate misses ONE word, he or she is IMMEDIATELY deported.

    

           2. Appear on "Moment of Truth".......

        "Question One- Do you think your plan will actually get to the bottom of anything"?

    Candidate " Well, Blah-Blah blah etc. etc. ad infititum....."

    "That answer is.... BOOM !"

    "Uh- Senator, not only was your answer NOT True, our Truth Machine just landed on the Moon".

     I guess you're wondering what about all the money the candidates raise ?

     According to my calculations, there is enough money to buy every American citizen a lottery ticket and a donut.

  Hey, at least this way we would get SOMETHING out of the deal.

     **_THE CHICKEN BUSINESS_**


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters  Each bell
had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the 
judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible

Ahem.

   It has recently come to my attention that.....

 1.In order to be a famous TV Weatherperson, it's not necessary to be "all that accurate".

 2. TV Weatherpersons knock down a pretty good buck.

 3. TV Weatherpersons are respected and admired in their fields and they get chicks.

 So, hey, if ya can't beat'em, join 'em !

 Consider this as my "audition", such as it is.

  If you are out and about this evening, don't be alarmed at the sight of flying furry things. These are merely toupee's and hairpieces of people who didn't prepare for the high winds.

 The past two days provided a prepotency of precipitation proving a pluvious predicament of preponderous proportions to the province of Pennsylvania.

Now, let's look at the Big Bazooba Doppler and Slurpee Machine to see what's in store for our region and surrounding areas.

 A colossal Canadian Clipper could clobber Cleveland, Calumet City and Cucamonga if current clusters continue.

  And......

 More ominously.....

 We're out of root beer.

 After the break......

 Paris Hilton has been  arrested for impersonating a talented woman.

 So, that's my shot at the big time.

 In addition to these talents.... I can sing a little, dance a little, I know a magic trick and.....

 I can bait a hook.

 Fox29, I look forward to hearing from you.

 About Mr. Weatherperson...

 Mr. Weatherperson was the Chief Meteorologist in Workboot, Wyoming for a time.

He achieved this position by being the first one up in Fishing Camp one morning, and, on his way to the outhouse in the dark, said, "Hey ! It's raining !"

 

Good Luck, RobG ! We'll Miss Ya !

   Bonnie Parker met Clyde Barrow in Texas in January, 1930. At the time, Bonnie was 19 and married to an imprisoned murderer; Clyde was unmarried. Soon after, he was arrested for burglary and sent to jail. He escaped, using a gun Bonnie had smuggled to him, was recaptured and sent back to prison. Clyde was paroled in February, 1932, rejoined Bonnie and resumed a life of crime.

   Between 1932 and 1934, there were several incidents in which the Barrow Gang kidnapped lawmen or robbery victims, usually releasing them far from home, sometimes with money to help them get back. Notoriously, the Barrow Gang  would not hesitate to shoot anybody, civilian or lawman,if they got in the way of their escape. Clyde was a probable shooter in approximately ten murders.

   Bonnie and Clyde were among the first celebrity criminals of the modern era, and their legend has proven durable. They appealed to the out of work and generally disenfranchised 33% of America shattered by the Depression, who saw the duo as a Robin Hood-like couple striking blows at an uncaring government.

   Despite the glamorous image often associated with the Barrow Gang, they were desperate and discontented. A recently published manuscript provides Blanche Barrow's account of life on the run. Clyde was a machine behind the wheel, driving dangerous roads and searching for places where they might sleep or have a meal without being discovered. One member was always assigned watch. Short tempers led to regular arguments. Even with thousands of dollars from a bank robbery, sleeping in a bed was a luxury for a member of the Barrow Gang. Sleeping peacefully was nearly impossible.

   In January, 1934, Clyde finally made his long awaited move against the Texas Dep't. of Corrections. In the famous "Eastham Breakout", Clyde's lifetime goal appeared to come true, when he masterminded the escape of  Henry Methvin, Raymond Hamilton, and several others. The Texas Dep't. of Corrections received national negative publicity over the jailbreak, and Clyde appeared to have achieved what was described as the burning passion in his life - revenge on the Texas Dep't. of corrections.

-------------------------------------------------->

      A pair of Philadelphia 20-somethings used high-tech identity theft methods to defraud businesses and neighbors of tens of thousands of dollars to support a jet-setter lifestyle that included travel to exotic international spots at the expense of their victims.

   Jocelyn Kirsch, a 22 year old Drexel University student, and Edward Anderton, a 25 year old University of Pennsylvania graduate who was recently fired from his job as a real estate analyst, were arrested Friday afternoon at their $3,000-a-month apartment in one of the city's most upscale neighborhoods.

   Kirsch and Anderton were arraigned on an array of charges, including identity theft, forgery and unlawful use of a computer.

   Police found $17,500 in cash, credit cards, fake driver's licenses and keys that could unlock mailboxes and doors to other units inside their apartment building. They also found a copy of the book "The Art of Cheating: A Nasty Little Book for Tricky Little Schemers and Their Hapless Victims".

   Another Drexel coed posted a comment in reaction to the Facebook group, saying, "and no one believed me when I said she was nuts AND bad news".

----------------------------------

     I'm not trying to drum up sympathy for the late Mr. Barrow and Ms. Parker. I also don't recommend their activities as a career move.

     But, comparing Kirsch and Anderdon to them is like calling "Bigfoot" - "Howard Hughes" on the basis that they were both popular, yet reclusive, 20th century mammals.

   Kirsch and Anderton's vacations are more interesting than they are.

    Bonnie and Clyde ?

    I don't think so.

    More like " Bony and Claude".

sources:

Wikipedia

abcnews.go.com

(uh - sorry, Fox, but I had to go where the story took me. )

  I'm getting ready to go fishing. I'm off today, not because it's Veteran's Day and I'm a veteran, but because it's Sunday and I don't have to work.

    Please join me today in remembering our country's veterans and of course, those currently in the Armed Forces( the fishing I can handle by myself ).

                                             Happy Veteran's Day everyone !

   

   

The purpose of this blog is to take the "technical terms" that weather forecasters, meteorologists and other soothsayers use and translate into everyday language and perhaps give you a better understanding of why it always rains on your birthday.

  Q. - Mr. Weatherperson, what is a "dew point" ?

  A.- Ahem. Let me give you an example. If you were walking arm in arm with an attractive woman on a summer's evening, and you paused (out of the intrusive glare of the streetlamp) and you gazed upon her countenance and asked " may I kiss you? ".  If she replies " Yes, please dew ", then you have reached a "dew point" in your relationship. 

    And, hopefully, it is the first of many.

 

 Q. - What is the "Coriolis Effect" ?

 A. - In simple terms, as air begins flowing from high to low pressure, the Earth rotates under it, making the wind follow a curved path. In the Northern Hemisphere, the wind turns to the right of its direction of motion. 

 So, if you are in the Northern Hemisphere, and the person on your left "cuts the cheese", you will find yourself in an unfortunate position. 

 A MOST unfortunate position.

 

  Q. - What is "Atmospheric Chaff" ?

   A. -  Gesundheidt !

 

  Q. -   Thanks Mr. Weatherperson.  Now I can blog with Rob G.

  A. -  You're quite welcome. Uh, blog with WHO ?

  This ain't a road -runner episode.

   I was just kickin' it with some fellow bloggers , we were talking about old sitcoms and I typed an actor's name. It came up Dick Van Bleep.

  Ok, I can see where some people could be offended ( and rightfully so ) by that man's last name if it were used in certain contexts. But I simply typed his name. I was trying to communicate. I was under the impression that  was the point of blogging.

 So, it's done away with.

 Well, heck, he's got a real " barnburner " of a first name, so why not bleep that too ?

And , in a world of 6 + billion people , I'm sure there are those that can't abide that 3 letter word in the middle , for some reason or another.

So, where does that leave us ? Where are we headed , folks ?

 This isn't about free speech. And for those of you who think a certain radio host got a raw deal , this blog ISN'T your rally point !

  I'm not taking the host of this blog to task, either. I'm sure I agreed to whatever when I signed up; and rightfully so. When I enter someone's home, there is an implied agreement that I will abide by their rules, and if I for some reason don't agree with said rules, I am free to leave .

    I'm not asking you to vote for me. I'm not asking you for money. I promise you nothing.

 If you have read this far, I ask you to consider this:

 No matter what race I am, I will offend someone. Ya know what? that's THEIR problem, not mine.

And the same thing goes for gender, religion, nationality, likes, dislikes,... ....

ad infinitum.The things that make you you , me me and us us at some time and/or place will offend someone.

   That doesn't mean we should hide our heads in the sand.

 At some point, we will have to decide, individually and collectively ( meaning ALL of us) what we stand for and what we won't stand for.